Once upon a time at the base I was stationed at stateside, I was
working in a department where it was very common for me to come across
people's names regularly. Usually on some type of paperwork that I had
to mess with during my mundane duties.
In the department I
worked at we had a hobby that whenever one of us would stumble upon a
name that was particularly comical we'd share it with everyone else who
was interested. This really only consisted of myself and Airmans
Hollywood and Sexy. Now I've given them nicknames to protect their
identities but let me take a quick moment to talk about Airman
Hollywood and Airman Sexy, because I know I will be talking about them
again in the future.
Hollywood was a young guy from a rather
rural area who was fairly attractive but full of himself and had
aspirations of being an actor. When I first met him he was
exceptionally virginal and used to come to me for advise about women
all of the time. He originally was thinking of 'saving himself' for the
right woman but soon decided that he was far to pretty to be holding
back and just wanted to get laid. I never really understand what his
problem was, because he was fairly attractive. He also just wanted to
become a 'pimp' and pretty much get not buy the cow because he got the
milk for free. So... I taught him all about the power of how to
manipulate females. In hindsight, this was a very bad idea. He soon
used his attractiveness, charm and the knowledge I gave him for evil.
Sexy
was a young lady who had a terrible crush on Hollywood. She also was
really pretty but a tiny bit neurotic and also had come from a more
rural area. She had an incredible figure, a tiny waistline and these
perfect but very large breasts. She also was such a do gooder. Both
Hollywood and Sexy's goal in the airforce were to be superstar troops.
It kind of made me sick, I was generally the Hawkeye Pierce of the
airforce and I really didn't care about winning awards or being awesome
in everyone's eyes. I just wanted to do my job, get through and have a
good time.
Anyhow, Hollywood and Sexy were in on this hobby. It
was more like each week one of us would try to top the other in finding
verifiably funnier names than the last. One day in particular I came
across the most awesome name I had ever come across in my life and I
had to immediately notify Hollywood. I dropped everything I was doing
to go over to Hollywood's desk to present to him the paper with the
most awesome name and rank in the world: MSgt. Firehammer.
Hollywood
and I became instantly enamoured with MSgt. Firehammer's name. I mean
who wouldn't? We had pretty much declared our little game over from
that point because we knew that we had stumbled upon the coolest name
we would ever see again. To top things off MSgt. Firehammer had a son
named "Gunner Firehammer". How freaking cool is that?
Hollywood
and I used to come up with like scenarios involving MSgt. Firehammer.
He became our Superhero and we had this tale about this Rambo like
soldier and his sidekick son saving the world from terrorists, aliens,
Russians...and really anyone who needed a good asskicking. There was no
situation to hard or to dangerous for the Firehammers. Eventually we
came up with an entire family (we didn't know the names of the rest of
his family) and their warheroish ways. The wife was an ex-KGB spy and
Gunner was an expert marksmen who at only the age of 2 had learned to
fire his first snipper rifle. I believe at some point we invented a dog
I just can't remember what we decided to name the dog but he was a
drug/explosive sniffing dog who could even sniff out like anthrax and
other deadly diseases. The entire family was just filed with win.
These
stories and talk about MSgt. Firehammer and his amazing family
continued for nearly 3 years. I'm serious, it never stopped getting
old. He had became larger than life in our eyes. I think I got a chance
to meet him face to face. I can't recall what the setting was, but I
was like all wide eyed and couldn't believe that I was face to face
with the man that we pretty much heroworshiped. Not that he had
actually done any of the things we'd described but he still had the
coolest name in history.
Note:
I generally change the names to keep from irking anyone, but in this
case it was kind of the center of the story. If by chance the
Firehammer family stumbles upon this story and you're offended let me
know I'll be happy to remedy that :)
