Tia Marie

Military Tales: The Christmas that Almost Wasn't

I haven't written a good military tale in a while, but this particular military tale is one that brings tears to my eyes every time I tell it to some one face-to-face. I decided that it was about time to share it with the web. To give you a bit of background on this story, it was Christmas of 2003 and it was the first year I became a single mom. I was going through my divorce at the time and my finances were horrible. I'd rather not go into the details, but I can assure you that the financial hole I was in wasn't due to carelessness. I was cutting coupons, receiving WIC benefits and going through a very nasty divorce on a salary of about $1200 USD a month in the San Francisco Bay area.

During this period of Airman Tia's life, she was far away from her family and the majority of her friends were people she smoked with outside at the military hospital on break. For those non-smokers, smoke breaks are a great bonding exercise. Lots of topics would come up and I got to know some really great people and folks who could share common woes. During this particular Christmas I was feeling rather lonely and stressed. It was going to be my first Christmas as a single mother and the only person I had in my life was my 2 year old son (some of you know him as @the_clone).

Unfortunately, due to my financial woes, I couldn't afford Christmas at all. I had reserved myself to skipping it entirely because I figured my kid wouldn't hate me too much at 2 for not getting anything for Christmas. I didn't make a very big deal about it either, I felt pretty horrible deep down about it but logically I knew it wouldn't be the end and I wasn't terribly religious any how. When asked by my peers at the smoking patio about what I'd end up doing for my son for Christmas, I'd just say it'd be a light one because money was tight. This was accepted mostly, until one particular individual pieced together a bit more of what was going on from other stories and had gotten me to admit that I was a bit more stretched than I let on, the reason I was in a financial bind and my exact christmas plans. I wasn't really close to this person but we spoke regularly during smoke breaks.

Skip forward to Christmas eve, December 24th. I was sitting at home alone with my son because I had been talked out of working by my boss and there was a knock on the door. I didn't really get visitors often so I was pretty reluctant to answer the door, thinking it would be some one asking me to come to work after all. When I finally opened the door, there was no one there. I gave a look around and eventually my eyes fell upon the ground, where in front of me was a large box filled to the brim with wrapped gifts (I'd estimate at least 10 - 15) all addressed to my son from Santa.

I maintained my composure as I offered a confused smile to my porch light and pulled the box inside and sobbed. The next morning, my son destroyed the wrapping and there was a lot of great toys for a little boy of his age to play with. To this day, not a single person has claimed responsibility for that charitable act. I know it had to be my military coworkers from the smoking patio, folks I wasn't terribly close to but because the military was a family, they took care of me. I have even retold that story (years later) to one of the individuals I believed to be responsible for orchestrating the gifting and he said nothing.

I think that was one the most meaningful thing anyone has ever done for me in my life and it's the reason I'm a sucker for charity and doing things for people I care about. It was the best and most memorable Christmas I'll ever have. Thank you MSgt. Anecdote & friends, you've touched my life forever with such a simple gesture.

Military Tales: There's no crying in medicine

Note: I've changed the names of people to keep their identities anonymous for reasons of 1. Not being a jerk and 2. HIPAA regulations. 

By the age of 18, I was a young Airmen in the United States Air Force and living nearly 3,000 miles away from home working at the training hospital on the base.  It was a very large training hospital (I believe the second largest in the United States) so we saw a great deal of patients both active duty, retired and their dependents.  

The first memorable event that happened to me while I was in the military was at this hospital.  I was very young at the time and still learning the ropes of medicine and the hospital.  I had the chance to meet some very interesting people while doing work on the various wards of the hospital.  

One lady in particular I'll never quite forget, for the purposes of this story we'll call her Amihan Smith.  Amihan was an elder asian lady married to a retired Air Force officer.  The amazing thing about Amihan was that she was a survivor of the Bataan Death March, she had met her husband shortly after.  The two had been married for quite a long time and were each other's first loves.  After he husband left in the evenings, I spent my free time talking to Amihan to keep her company during the sleepless nights and hear her tell stories of her journey on the March, it was a heart wrenching story and hearing it first hand from a real survivor was something that the history books could've never taught me.  

Despite her failing memory, she recounted the entire thing in nearly perfect detail and had many stories about her husband.  She was taught English by her husband and he took very good care of her, he was the only thing she had in the world as her entire family was either killed during the initial attack in the Bataan peninsula or were tortured and killed during the march.  

Her adoration for her husband and the length of time they had been together was incredibly touching it had a very romantic feel to it to meet a woman who had sought safe harbour in the US as a victim of war crimes, fell in love with her and had been each other's one and only up through their elderly years.  

Amihan was the first patient that I grew attached to and I was taught many things because of her.  That's why, when I got the call from the ward that she had passed away, I had taken it especially hard.  One of the side tasks that I did as part of my first rotation in the hospital was initiating death certificate paperwork and everything that went along with a patient's death (organ donation stuff, autopsy stuff, coroner case determination and getting the doctor to sign off the cause of death and such), problem was I had never actually done one before.  It was the first time I had a patient die on my shift.  It was also the first time I had to deal with a death since my friend Tilde had died in high school. 

I read through the manuals and gathered what emotional fortitude I thought I had and went up to the ward.  Getting the doctor to fill out the death certificate was the easy part, going into the room with Amihan and her husband was the hard part.  

I stepped in the room thinking I was prepared to deliver the messages I had to, get his signatures where I needed to and go.  How wrong I was.  I stood there in silence looking at the lifeless face of the woman I had grown so fond of and admired.  Her cooling hand was being held in between Mr. Smith's hand and he called me over in a quiet and defeated voice.  He said to me, "Airman, did Amihan tell you how we first met?" 

I was paralyzed with emotion, I bit the inside of my lip hard in an attempt to hold back any emotion so not to make things harder on him.  Mr. Smith didn't want to sign or answer anything until he recounted in his words a brief summary of his life with Amihan.

I cried.  I wept the first tears I had wept since my mom had died when I was 16.  The only thing I could think of was how unfair it was for him to have lost the only woman he had ever loved.  My first death case toppled up with some emotions I had been holding back for a while wasn't as clean as I had hoped it would be.

Trying to compose myself, Mr. Smith did something even more unexpected. He stood, wrapped his arms around me and patted my back and said, "She led a good life and she won't be alone for long.  Don't cry, she's better now." I was taken back as he then went and took my paperwork and filled out what he needed to do and simply asked me, "Can I stay with her alone a bit longer?" I just nodded and backed out of the room a bit puffy eyed and shocked at how it had all went down.  

After he had left, I insisted on helping the med techs clean up and get Amihan's body down to the morgue, helping clean everything off of her and remove the various tubes and needles that had been attached to her and making sure to careful remove her personal affects and place them into neat little containers to have for Mr. Smith to pick up later.

Later never came.  I kept her things down in my department in the safe where they should've gone and asked daily if Mr. Smith had come down and called his number and left messages.  I found out that two weeks after Amiha's passing, Mr. Smith had passed away in his sleep at home.  It was almost like he had decided on his own that he had no purpose past being with Amiha.  

Military Tales - The party that quite wasn't

The military (or at least the Airforce) is adamantly against underaged drinking, the base that I was stationed at made it their personal mission to make sure that anyone caught drinking underage would get an Article 15 and get treated like an alcoholic.

Now, I wasn't the example of a shining troop. I guess one could actually call me somewhat of a Dirtbag airman. I didn't go out of my way to be an ass, well... perhaps I did depending on who you asked. I wasn't winning Airman of the quarter but I didn't get a dishonourable discharge either. I did my thing and didn't really go out of my way to be above and beyond, but at least I followed the rules.

That being said, all of my bosses thought I went out of my way to break the rules. So when the night of my 21st birthday came along mixed with the up coming going away of a close friend... the rumour mill amongst the higher ups believed that I would be planning something huge and filled with opportunities to punish!

Airman Sexy wasn't 21 yet, she'd been caught drinking underage in the past and I knew that she was going to be at my shindig. I had actually decided to pull a non drinking party so that we could take Airman PunkRocker (my nickname for my friend who was separating and leaving) to the hospital and pull some antics. It was tradition for the Med techs who worked at the hospital to get a nice dinner and thrown into the fountain fully clothed. Airman PunkRocker didn't get this so some of us decided to treat him to it. We brought the video camera, because we knew that much hilarity would ensue and Airman PunkRocker needed it documented to remember we loved him.

The night went well enough and Airman PunkRocker did end up tossed into the fountain, everyone was sober and we had a grand clean time. I gave the video evidence of the evening to PunkRocker and he went on his way to Arizona to leave the military for good.

I thought I had heard all I would hear about that night... until a month later. I was drug into my Superintendent's office (he was a Master Sergeant who was buff to say the least, he had to have his uniform shirts specially tailored to fit around his massive muscles... incidentally he was a bit intimidating and didn't like me).

MSgt. Muscles wove a tale of epic debauchery. Apparently the rumour mill (which he fully believed) had talked about this epic party that happened a week ago at my house with drugs, alcohol, underaged drinking and lots of other things. Apparently we had drug this party of great sin to the hospital where we were running around naked in the halls, with a video camera!

MSgt. Muscles thought he had me, he /knew/ there was video evidence... I looked at him and stared blankly trying to fully digest the epic night that I apparently organized and took part in. All I could say was, "Will all due respect Sir, that sounded like one hell of a party... I'm sad I missed it."

And this is the crux of why Tia was a dirtbag Airman. The end of the story goes as follows: Tia didn't get an article 15, however, her big mouth earned her a LOR and apparently the entire base still believed that such debaucherous party took place, yet no one has proof.

Military Tales - The Superhero

Once upon a time at the base I was stationed at stateside, I was working in a department where it was very common for me to come across people's names regularly. Usually on some type of paperwork that I had to mess with during my mundane duties.

In the department I worked at we had a hobby that whenever one of us would stumble upon a name that was particularly comical we'd share it with everyone else who was interested. This really only consisted of myself and Airmans Hollywood and Sexy. Now I've given them nicknames to protect their identities but let me take a quick moment to talk about Airman Hollywood and Airman Sexy, because I know I will be talking about them again in the future.

Hollywood was a young guy from a rather rural area who was fairly attractive but full of himself and had aspirations of being an actor. When I first met him he was exceptionally virginal and used to come to me for advise about women all of the time. He originally was thinking of 'saving himself' for the right woman but soon decided that he was far to pretty to be holding back and just wanted to get laid. I never really understand what his problem was, because he was fairly attractive. He also just wanted to become a 'pimp' and pretty much get not buy the cow because he got the milk for free. So... I taught him all about the power of how to manipulate females. In hindsight, this was a very bad idea. He soon used his attractiveness, charm and the knowledge I gave him for evil.

Sexy was a young lady who had a terrible crush on Hollywood. She also was really pretty but a tiny bit neurotic and also had come from a more rural area. She had an incredible figure, a tiny waistline and these perfect but very large breasts. She also was such a do gooder. Both Hollywood and Sexy's goal in the airforce were to be superstar troops. It kind of made me sick, I was generally the Hawkeye Pierce of the airforce and I really didn't care about winning awards or being awesome in everyone's eyes. I just wanted to do my job, get through and have a good time.

Anyhow, Hollywood and Sexy were in on this hobby. It was more like each week one of us would try to top the other in finding verifiably funnier names than the last. One day in particular I came across the most awesome name I had ever come across in my life and I had to immediately notify Hollywood. I dropped everything I was doing to go over to Hollywood's desk to present to him the paper with the most awesome name and rank in the world: MSgt. Firehammer.

Hollywood and I became instantly enamoured with MSgt. Firehammer's name. I mean who wouldn't? We had pretty much declared our little game over from that point because we knew that we had stumbled upon the coolest name we would ever see again. To top things off MSgt. Firehammer had a son named "Gunner Firehammer". How freaking cool is that?

Hollywood and I used to come up with like scenarios involving MSgt. Firehammer. He became our Superhero and we had this tale about this Rambo like soldier and his sidekick son saving the world from terrorists, aliens, Russians...and really anyone who needed a good asskicking. There was no situation to hard or to dangerous for the Firehammers. Eventually we came up with an entire family (we didn't know the names of the rest of his family) and their warheroish ways. The wife was an ex-KGB spy and Gunner was an expert marksmen who at only the age of 2 had learned to fire his first snipper rifle. I believe at some point we invented a dog I just can't remember what we decided to name the dog but he was a drug/explosive sniffing dog who could even sniff out like anthrax and other deadly diseases. The entire family was just filed with win.

These stories and talk about MSgt. Firehammer and his amazing family continued for nearly 3 years. I'm serious, it never stopped getting old. He had became larger than life in our eyes. I think I got a chance to meet him face to face. I can't recall what the setting was, but I was like all wide eyed and couldn't believe that I was face to face with the man that we pretty much heroworshiped. Not that he had actually done any of the things we'd described but he still had the coolest name in history.

Note: I generally change the names to keep from irking anyone, but in this case it was kind of the center of the story. If by chance the Firehammer family stumbles upon this story and you're offended let me know I'll be happy to remedy that :)

Military Tales - Larry the Spider

I've been told by quite a few people that I need to start writing some of the things that happened in my life down, that for some reason what I would have to say about myself would make a good read. I think these people are crazy, I've been there I doubt it is very interesting. However, there are a couple of stories from when I was in the military that entertained a few people. Let me note that names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent, not so innocent or are covered under a non-disclosure agreement I signed upon my discharge from the Air Force.

Once upon a time in location undisclosed-Istan, I was deployed during the summer with a group of GIs whose main purpose in life was to introduce their boots to inanimate objects with hinges. The temperature in undisclosed-Istan generally stayed a balmy 120 degrees or more. There were generally very little to do for entertainment, and let me tell you being the only female amongst a small group of GIs (from a separate branch) demands that you come up with entertainment quick else you become the entertainment. I don't mean that in a bad way, like how the media will portray it, I mean that these guys thoroughly enjoyed every attempt to embarrass the hell out of me at every point. They used to play a game called "My ballsack is sweater than a ...." where well I doubt I have to describe it, but they come up with new comparisons for this statement. It was quite...enlightening to say the least. I never did very well at this game, not only did I lack a ballsack but I lacked the appropriate imagination to come up with these comparisons. There were two creatures that were of great abundance and great annoyance around undisclosed-Istan, the Camel Spider and the desert Scorpion.

Now the Camel spider is not a creature to be taken lightly it is a huge spider which is quite fond of your shadow and they jump. This is a picture of a camel spider dragging a lizard it had killed off to eat it. These guys were scary things to say the least and the biggest worries you had was either getting bitten in your sleep rewarding yourself with a giant pustule or finding one of these (or a scorpion) in your boots at night while you sleep.

The question once came, "Who would win in a fight?" Now granted for you bug lovers this story turns a bit gruesome, I'm sorry I really am...actually no I'm not terribly sorry I've been bitten by a camel spider and had to get treated with antibiotics and such and I didn't do a thing to that little guy. Anyhow the "Exo-Dome" was a "Thunderdome" inspired "Two bugs enter one bug leaves" style gladiator fighting ring. I had my pet prize who I found in my shoe, his name was Larry and I was mortified by him. Nothing in this world gives me the creeps than spiders okay maybe snakes. The most important fact is that I hate spiders with a passion. So you must believe me that the boredom was so great that I had to keep a pet spider named Larry, and affectionately named such too. Larry for some reason was quite the formidable opponent. Even the SAS guys eventually knew Larry by name. I did the girly thing and put him in a very large tupperware container with holes and fed him fresh meat every day, I decorated it with pretty flowers and such. I doted upon Larry a great deal.

I grew to have this love/hate dichotomy of a relationship with Larry. I even tried to take him back to the states with me as a pet. This to say the least was not one of my brightest ideas, he survived the trip but once I got caught with him in my possession he was taken away from me, it was a sad day.

I still to this day am terrified of spiders, camel spiders are still amongst the most terrifying for me. I will never forget (nor will the guys I was deployed with) the schoolgirl shriek I let out as I ran through the sand waving my arms as Larry chased me down jumping at me to either 'thank' me for all of my love or desiring to hide in my shadow. My fear was quickly quelled when one of the GIs decided that it was time to protect Airman Tia by squishing Larry.

In a moment that I can only describe as pure hilarity (one of those you probably had to be there to truly appreciate it moments) I threw my gloves on which were inside of my pockets and ran over to catch Larry. I whimpered and whined girlishly holding him as far from my body as possible screaching, "Gimme the box gimme the damned box pleeeaaase!"

They did not immediately give me the box and drew my terror out for as long as they possibly could. If any of you guys read this ever, I still think you are douchebags for that.